When I returned from my family, I tried everything to simply stop thinking. I ate. I drank. I wrote. I smoked. I Pumped the chemicals in me that I used to poison myself. The one that numbed me just enough to be able to find the courage to walk among you once again. The one to simply step back and be quiet. While I was with them I couldn't enjoy them. They were still whispering behind each other's back, but I had changed the tune. I heard the love. I heard the peace. I heard the noise, and the melody it sang.
In that moment I was visited by my grandmothers. Soft lights in the for of women at the door of my bed. I found the quiet, and adjusted my view, just enough to see the truth. They were there Because I was there. It was my job to keep them alive. Because I was made from them. My brother, was bringing life in this world and I know exactly who my niece is. She is me. She will be tough. She will learn to fight. She will do everything I had to do. They are going to give her a name, it will probably give her the wrong one. In the end. I will still know exactly who she is when I see her. And I will call her by her real name and In that moment. She will know, I named her. I knew her before she was alive. Because my Grandmother's told me your name. She will have to play her part, and when I'm around. She will tell me who needs work. Together, we will fix things.
Sitting outside, watching the trees. Hearing nothing but the leaves. Hearing each other's heart beat. That will be my gift to her. Knowing her at her best. Holding her up at her worst. Always having her back. My brother won't listen while I'm there. Once the smoke settles, he will open his eyes, look at her. Standing there in her eyes, He will see me.
I have seen the beauty in my own family. It left me with a need to know more. If this is why we humans are the way we are then why are animals. My pets were great mother's why weren't the ones on the television. I started to watch them. I studied my cat and she was beautiful. I loved the males just the same to.
When I was younger. I couldn't understand why my mother would get our pets fixed. I went out and I got my own, and I found out. They couldn't stop breeding, and if you don't stop them they would continue. If you allow them to give into them selves, they become a problem. I made the choice to fix my pets and I saw that it helped. I didn't become over whelmed caring for them. I didn't mind them depending on me. They didn't mind depending on me. When you take away what kills someone, they find a peace and a calm that only they can give themselves. I taught my cat, I'm not always going to be there to feed him. I fed him even when I didn't have enough. He stuck around. He stuck around till he saw the worst in me boiling over, and he dipped. As did my other animals. They escaped into another world. If I wasn't going to care for them, they would do it themselves. Then they realized, It wasn't that I didn't want to care for them. It was the fact that every time I did car for them, I was taking the power from them to care for themselves.
I started giving them what they needed not what they wanted. In this small action I saw my animals start to change. They stopped snapping my fingers, and licking them. They stopped peeing in my floor, and went outside. They simply started to give a damn about themselves. That way they could help me give a damn about myself. I watch my dog sit in the window wanting to play with her best friend. It reminds me of how locked away I was in my childhood. I see the joy in her face when I allow her to just go. I see the disappointment in her self when she just couldn't wait and I don't punish her. She learned she was allowed to run off when she wanted. As long as she was ready to face the eye of her master.
I gave her everything, until she was spoiled. I then ripped it all away and made her fight for it. That way she would learn how to do it herself. That way if she ever ran off, she would know, how to come home.
The problem with parents today, they are so wrapped up in wanting to love and protect their children from the world, they forget to protect them from their selves. They tell them to sit down and be quiet, right after telling them to reach the starts. The children are starting to grow up inside a virtual world. Then released into the real world with out any way of knowing what to do. For some children they catch on fast and they go out and become something wonderful. For others they have switched rolls. Not playing the child, but playing the mother. Giving their loved ones unconditional love, because no one else can dish out what they throw at them.
They loose themselves, and that is where they find me. Smiling, playing, not touching them, In my own little world. For a moment they love everything they see. Long enough for them to want it to. Their world taught them to take it for themselves. It is there, I will make sure they know, Get your own. This is mine. I know what is at home. I gave it up. You want this. Make it happen. Yourself. I'll give you a place to rest. I will also send you packing.
If I had figured all this out. Why then wasn't I actually happy? The answer was so simple it was brilliant. I was keeping myself there. I was too scared to put down my wants, to get what I need. I kept smoking, I kept filling myself with poison. I kept killing myself. It was when I finally felt I had said everything I needed to say. I was able to sit down the bowl. Pick up a snack and leave.
It was when I finally convinced myself to give it all up, that it finally worked.
It will keep working, until, I am finally convinced, I deserve everything I have. The problem is. I will never deserve anything I worked for. For that, I will let them wait for me.
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