Darkness

I had often thought what it would be like to be loved. I could feel the happiness I would have felt and the love i would have had for them. I could see the years floating by and more joining us in our loving world. I could have reached out and hugged our children as they grew before our eyes, and I would have given anything to have died in his arms like i'd always dreamed. I'd dreamed.... dreams huh. I had dreams once but now they seem so small and hard to remember. Dreams now are left to myth. We all once heard of it on the wind but knew it didn't really exist. Now here I was cold and shivering as the darkness sets in. Alone, dying, unloved, forgotten. 

It all started when I met this man. My he was sexy. His eyes were brown, not a dark brown like most brown eyes, more the color of wet clay, with a yellow tint. And when they looked at me, i could see how much he wanted me. Tall as the day is long. His hair pulled back in a bun, it was so long. Thick lips pulled over his face with a plump pout. I could have kissed them for days if he let me. He was thin, not skin and bones but perfectly skinny, the wore an open button up shirt and some jeans. The glasses on his face were huge, and i knew in an instant he was as nerdy as they came. I was told by his family they were quite worried about how much time he spent alone, and thought I would be welcomed company. They just wanted to get rid of me so they could have alone time with their girlfriend. One smile from this man and I melted like butter. Not many women would have seen this beautiful man and thought he was as beautiful as I thought him. Mainly because they like muscular guys. I hated perfection in people and found the odd looking to be more attractive. 

He took my hand, I remember watching those boney fingers wrapping around my hands and feeling a spark inside me like none other. I looked back up into his eyes and his smile, it captivated me in an instant. I let him lead me to his room and after a slight moment of nervous conversation I was in his arms. Unable to speak, or move, or do anything but look at him. I watched as he moved over my body, slowly studying me. Touching me. Those nails touching my skin and making my skin dance with vibrations, as the very tips moved along my curves I can feel the soft fibers of my shirt slipping up my body. The pop of the button on my jeans as he removed those too. The feel of his first kiss on my always hidden sin. The gentle touch of his hair as it moved along my sin after letting it down. I could smell the scent of him all around me as if nothing else existed but him. The first time he spread my legs and slipped between my soft folds, how tight the fit was. I knew I was his, for better or worse, I belonged to this man. 

Seeing him became almost daily and each time was more intense that the last. I was so young then. Nieve and vulnerable, with little experience in the matters of being a woman with a man. Before that first day I didn't even know what an orgasm with a man felt like. My partners where so useless in the sack. Didn't want nothing but to get off and be done. He was different. He wouldn't stop till he felt the juice flowing from me, often multiple times. His attention to detail surpassed any I knew. It reflected in everything he did, his art, his life, and even in bed. He could bend me in positions I would have never gotten in on my own. And life was amazing. Every visit was phenomenal. 

The problem with happiness, it can't always last. My down fall wasn't falling in love with him. It was in staying in love with him. Life started to happen and all a sudden, there was more than just sex. Love had bloomed inside me and he told me he loved me also. The words drove me to waiting. I waited weeks on end, sometimes moths upon months, before seeing him. Calls went unanswered and my heart started breaking. I couldn't understand why he was not seeing or talking to me as much an why he kept telling me he loved me at the same time. It didn't occur to me that these were warnings I should stay away. Let him go. My heart wanted him. I needed him. I was addicted to him. 

I tried to date other people. Perhaps that was wrong, more like they tried to get me to let him go and I wouldn't let my heart belong to anyone else. Every man I attempted to make a life with, Couldn't stack up to him. Something happened and he would come looking for me. In a heartbeat I was back beside him. Drinking in the love and attention he gave me. We would end up dating and things would be great again. Then he would fade into the night again. I grew so tired of it. I tried hard. Even moved away. But all it did was numb me to all feelings. My world grew dark with each moment he was away. Living without him for two years I couldn't stand it. So i went back once again. This time he said he wanted to prove his love to me. 

The only catch was I would have to give up all my dreams. To be with him, I would have to except we would never be married. Never have children, and never confess our love outside our alone time. I didn't see the harm in being so private. It wasn't like I needed everyone in our business. 

Time came for me to move and he told me he would go with me, but on the day I moved I couldn't find him. No answer, no one seen him, he wasn't home, and he never showed up. I cried all the way there. Alone. The move wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and i was soon back in contact with him as a friend. I never asked him to join me. I loved him from far away. Now i've been here a couple months. 

The other day I was walking along the street, on the way home when a drunk driver was coming down the road and thought I looked like an awesome target. No one can explain why i am still hanging on is this dream state. I can still hear them buzzing around me asking each other why I don't let go. Everyone talked about who they had called and who they didn't call and how no one would come to say goodbye. It wasn't until I heard his name that I took note of the full conversation. Why call him? No, i can't see him like this. I remember trying to tell them. But someone had found his number still plugged into my phone. I remember hearing someone say he was on his way. 

Everyone moved around me and I could hear a voice from time to time saying he is coming. My heart would skip a beat and they would leave. He was coming to me, this one final time. I wondered what to say to him. But then I would have to open my eyes, I would have to sit up and talk. I would have to get out of this trap I was in. Hours ticking by as my mind replayed the good times. I was so sure he was going to make it. It was only six hours away. 

Laying here now for what seemed to be another two days, and he didn't show. I hear the nurses talk above me about how I turned my back on all my friends since I moved and no one seemed to care I was passing. I knew I had fallen into a deep depression but hadn't realized it had gotten that bad. I can feel the darkens around me as I fade. I no longer feel the cold around me, I'm quite comfortable now. My last flicker of light and I'm standing there beside myself in the dark room. I see a figure in the doorway and can't believe my eyes. I hear the flat line as the nurses rush in to try and stop me from dying. It all goes quiet as I walk over to him and looked into his eyes as a single tear slipped from his eyes. I can only hear his breath as his lips open and he gasps. I couldn't see the nurses as they passed by us and he moved closer to my body. I want to feel his touch as he lays over my body and I can hear him whispering to me. "I'm so sorry my love, I should have come sooner. I thought I would be able to get here in time to tell you i love you. I should have married you. We should have been a family. Now it's too late." And it was. Now he could feel the pain I had suffered with for all these years and all I can think is "I forgive you."