Just a thank you...

Dear Friends and Family,

Ok, so house is cleaned, Floors moped, Laundry still to do, but that is life. Animals fed played with happily sleeping in various spots. A little vacuuming left after the carpets are dry from their cleaning, and I am done for the night. I've not been talking much because for the past week i have been trying to get my head back in the game and get this house cleaned up, with my husband's help. And with his help we got everything ready for inspection from the land lord this week, except for a few things we are fixing now. That is why i haven't been talking to anyone.
That is why I don't want to look at my phone and am getting frustrated. Yes it is broken, and trying to answer phone calls and text messages take me 20 mins. time I needed to get my head in the game, before the final showdown. I know you have to get your head there also when you want to get something done. It takes me some time to get there, but when I'm able to stop all the call and the noise and contain it to a small area, I'm able to focus. I can't have people here to help me do it, because that distracts me, or i feel its not done right and that throws my game off. 

Yes there is still a lot of work to be done, but I am going to do it. I am going to make it work. From time to time I may need help. Say like if i've got a cold or something, or you know, and that is what family and friends are for. 

I want to thank everyone who helped me get it this way. For everyone who came in here and moved something, fixed something, cleaned something, or even just took out the trash or washed a load of laundry when you visited. Or even the one who brought us food or cleaning supplies, or even installed a light bulb for me. Thank you! To the ones who came by for a little bit to get my attention off the problem for a moment so i could refresh. Thank you. For the ones who came over and got yelled at even when I wasn't really mad at you. Thank you. 

To the ones who kept calling and kept coming to see me, and kept pushing me to come back. Thank you. To the ones who asked me to just reached out a helping hand to me, even when I didn't notice. Thank you. To the ones who came by and said come out for a bit, you need a break. Thank you. 

I have seen the beauty of this world, and I have seen the hate, But what brings us back together is the love we share. Thank you for loving me enough, not to give up on me. Even when I gave up on myself. Even when I thought I wasn't worth your love anymore, because I've been so deeply depressed, I couldn't see past my own insecurities. Thank you, for teaching me how to survive, and sooth myself in the dark, and forcing me to shut off the light for a while until my eyes adjusted and saw what those scary shadows really were. Thank you to the ones who understood I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there, that are there. You call them what you will, i see them, I hear them, i know they are there. But you try letting your body slowly kill you and see if you don't see them too. 

Now I know i'm really sick, but I'm tired of living sick. 

There are a lot of things I have to cut out of my life to be able to live happily. I'm not talking people, I'm talking foods and such, and I have to find what works for me. I'm slowly making it there. I just need time to get used to it. Find my Rhythm, and I'm starting to. 

But I couldn't have gotten thought everything I have with out my family and friends. The ones who really did love me, and really did care. You should know who you are. 

Yes, I'm sick, and I could die really soon, But this girl isn't going anywhere right now. And I found happiness and love in a man who wouldn't take any bull shit from me, but also didn't ever lay a hand on me in anger, of forced me to service him, or make me do something I didn't want to do. He has loved and respected me every step of the way. Through every tantrum, through every fit, and though every tear, he has loved me. Knowing it was my past beating me down, and waited for them to be over, while holding up the crippling weight of it all, just so I could breath. Who looked past the outer shell of my body and saw the person forced to live behind a wall of lies, who tired so desperately to endure the pain in silence, but couldn't any longer. Who let me cry till i didn't want to cry about it anymore. Who let me scream, till my throat was raw, who let me fester, until I was so pissed off I was able to fight my way back up. I was able to make my body move again. He brought me food, when I couldn't feed myself. Drink when I needed something. But he didn't weight on me. He let me relearn how to do things for myself, and even through every struggle of my getting better, he was there cheering me on. Telling me not to give up because he wasn't going to do it for me. Making me fight, even when you thought he was being cruel, he was being real and it made me fight. Yes he was pissing me off, because he wanted me to fight. He would push me to the point I thought I was going to give out, and then he took me to rest, but I got up and I fought... There were times I wanted to give up, and tried to get rid of him, but he refused to leave, even when he wanted to give up, but we fought, fought for each other when the other one couldn't. Now here i am down to 293lbs and counting. Yes it has been a war over here, but Its a war I had to fight, and he was the one who could push me to fight. He pushed me to not give up, and he stayed 

and fought with me, and we found a peace with each other that I haven't felt in a very long time. 

I'm not saying he is perfect. Sometimes he said the wrong thing, but he is fighting his own demons. And even though we had a rough start, we are getting better. We are learning how to talk to each other. We are figuring what works for us. It may not be ideal for you, but it works perfect for US. 

I know when you tried to help me you really did and I think you for it. You got me to the point where he could take over. Thank you. 

In this fight we found a peace in each other that doesn't come from a peace of paper. We found a love that is deeper than a ring. We found a bond that is tighter than a ritual. We found each other, raw, broken, almost destroyed, and we still loved each other. demons and all. 

It wasn't a love like in the movies, where everything is perfect all the time. tra la la lalala.... bla bla bla... Its work. Its fighting over the bills till you figure out what you need and what you don't need. Its screaming at the top of you longs at them because someone you loved died and breaking down and crying in front of them. Its taking in an animal and raising it because she just needs a baby to care for. Its feeding her fish to keep it alive, its washing his clothes so they don't stink. Its feeding each other when you can't cook. Its watching TV alone and then watching something together. Its working in two different room and sleeping in tow different rooms because you can't both sleep on the bed, and can't afford one of those number things. Its sleeping together from time to time in the other's bed because you just want to be close. Its cleaning the toilet because he goes out and works all day. Its not having any money and trying to get by with what you have. Its not complaining because we can't afford things. Its just getting things done, no matter who does it. Its letting her family crash in and stay for a bit, its having his family bombard you with a party. Its working together to fix the mess they leave. Its walking in this life with each other, and knowing you can trust the other with you life. 

I understand you want me to marry, and because of my illnesses, we can't. Also, some of his issues. It pains my heart when the issue is forced on me. I understand and respect you and your choices, all i ask in return is the same. All I want now is to live in peace. See the ones I love and who love me. And make the best of the time I have here. However short or long that may be. Thank you, for understanding this, and respecting me enough to help me along the way. Also, for the help you continue to give me. It doesn't go unappreciated even though I know sometimes it seems it does. I do appreciate the help. I'm just still fighting for my life, and this fight isn't going to be an easy one. Just know, I am here, I am fighting still, and no matter what happens from this point on, i am going to just enjoy my life. Because I am loved by you all.

Thank you,

CynCyn