My tears to clean my ears...

Life is funny sometimes. Like when I stand in my kitchen and look at my cookie jar. I know they are freshly  baked several days ago and they are going to be hard as a rock with that pop that just makes your jaw scream, "What the Fuck woman why!" However the though of not eating that cookie eats at you till you shrug and take one, well ok two. wait they are small three. Its ok, its burnt... never mind i'll just take them all. I waited so long to eat them... Taking only one a day. The last few were on the brink of rotting out....

I give up and pore a bowl of cereal and take my cookies sitting back down at my desk. Because of who i am I live on a very strict diet. And this struggle is because, I who loves food, the way it taste and the way it melts in your mouth. When I take that cookie into my mouth dripping of that milk. The creamy flavor of the milk running over my pallet as the crunch gives way to dissolving in my mouth.

The burnt ones are my favorite, I am somewhat ashamed to say. The almost non eatable char and its bitter after taste. It reminds me of when my mom would bake us cookies and she would always forget about the last batch. When eating the cooking I can just about hear the sound of the fire alarm ringing in the back ground. If I don't eat the cookies they are going to go bad, it will be a long time before I let myself have cookies again, so why not? Just enjoy a little bit of naughtiness.

The wonderment of enjoying that sweet creamy mixture takes me back to moments that include my aunts, and their burnt cookies, and my friends, and my brother's with his doaghboy mittens and hat on Christmas eve trying to bake cookies for Santa. My fondest memories were of his passion and how much he loved to cook. I thought he would open a restaurant one day, but he never did.

The sinking feeling of a brother's dreams so destroyed at such a young age, it breaks my heart still this day. My mind snaps back to life as the sadness of my child hood catches up to me and i try to shake the dark thoughts from my mind.

Cookies, I take myself there to that dark spot over cookies. When I hadn't ate cookies in a long time. Then the reason I am so careful pops his ugly head up out the water and i'm hit with the pain of the sugar passing though my liver. It isn't long before I remember why i can't stray from my diet. One soda a day. One cookie a day. One piece of meat. One... One... One. . . I don't care what anyone thinks of me, the pain of not being able to fill your stomach with foods you love is over bearing and completely real.

Salads, the only thing I am allowed with out regret. Green leafy spurts of nothing that looks as plane as it taste. Sometimes we have toppings, but most the time they come in a bag premade, because i don't have the energy to get up and cut up my own salads. These salads are "fresh" and "healthy." and so full of "No Regret!...... yeah, until i think about that big juicy steak that I enjoyed with my uncle the one time he allowed me to eat his whole stake myself. He told me he was done with it, and well... I got excited and lets just say. It was just that good. I totally zoned out. I remember the way the juice ran down my throat. Still sizzling and hot. I remember the burn of the seasonings as they chard their way down my throat. The joy of it being strait off the grill was too much to wait for as i cut little nibbles here and there. Increasing in size as I moved along the steak and it cooled.

I couldn't stop myself, it was so tender, and mom wouldn't have ever let me eat it so rare. Oh i loved it. I'd never had a steak like it before and would never have one like it again. It was perfect. We don't talk anymore, and it wasn't because of that steak. Sometimes you just can't explain to people what's going on and why you are the way you are.

It takes time to process the thoughts that travel though my mind. My thoughts coming in faster than I can even keep up with most of the time. The channel changing so fast inside my mind its hard to focus. Each person, means a new personification of myself. Who takes over who runs me? I don't know, but can we all agree on one thing, we have to eat right. Even if it is killing us faster, because our teeth were hurting, Ya have to eat something, and you can't eat potatoes anymore, no you already used up the month's ration on that.

I fight with myself on is it worth eating or not, because I know how damaged my liver is. I also know I can't prove how this happened to me. I have been lost, trapped inside my own mind for so long, I don't know what to say. I remember everyone in my family asking me, begging me to tell my mom I was pretending to be sick... Now I have documentation of what happened to me, why I am... It doesn't matter. I don't have the heart to tell them how bad they made me feel, while this whole time, I've been dying and they..... I have a clog behind my ear now, I'm used to getting ear infections, they hurt and it still makes me cry. Its good to cry, it washes out the clog, I hope. My ear still feels like a balloon is stuck in it, but oh well. Good try.

That's about when my pup comes to rescue me from my thoughts. Startling me as she barks at the chime of the cat clock on my game. Oh, yeah that's right I was playing a game. Isn't it funny how funny life is? I missed a good Role Play, writing out my thoughts now everyone is heading to bed. I told you life was funny.

Now enjoy ya smile,
Wipe away those tears,
I'll see you soon.