Healing wasn't just a matter of time, it was a mater of learning. I researched everything they told me I had. I found comfort in their drugs. I wanted more. I started taking note of what drugs did what, and evaluated exactly how much I real needed. I started to looks at what was in my head, what was in my heart, and what was in my power. I found I was making my self sick. I didn't want to deal with how I was hiding. I threw myself into my roles. I created problems for her to fix, just to keep her fixing me. I ate the wrong foods at the wrong time, because she needed to heal something. I just needed to feel something anything. I started to feel everything. I started getting migraines, and getting medication for it. I started getting fat and needed pills for that. I tried everything under the son, but stayed far away from the things that would actually help. Those were the things I was taught to fear.
My stomach was hurting me, because I was feeding the same junk to it everyone else was feeding themselves. Not because I wanted to, but to show them exactly what they were doing. I opened the bag of chips to show them, I wasn't eating this, if I were this is what it would look like. I pigged out, and then staved myself as punishment. I had to learn to eat again. First I had to figure out what I was doing wrong, so I could do it right. I wasn't making the right choices. I was making their choices. Why? I wanted to show them how much it was killing them to depend on me so much. First, I had to depend on them fully. In doing so, I taught my mother how to keep living. By letting her bury her demons, until she can get away from her. She is still haunted by the demons in her past, and she is still fighting to push on. I've given all I could to her, and let her choose where she wanted to live. I pitched my fit. Making her not to want to come back. That way she could find the truth of how happy she was. My mother deserved to see one of her Grand Children reach adult hood if not all. My brother, knows what I gave up to help her. I made the choice to play the child, in order to be her mother. I could have just as easily broke down and did everything for her. It was harder to fight her will to want to die. If everyone would have just left me alone to do what I needed to. Maybe I wouldn't have had to go to the drastic measures to show them who they really are. I was never good enough, because I was too good at what I do. I was the snake in the grass, because I had to make her want to live. I was the angel by her side, Because I had to make her happy. I was the best friend, because I had to know her mind. I was the child, because I had to be the mother. I was the God, Because She showed me who he was. God is every face I look into. God is every sole I help. God is my destruction. God Is my salvation. The moment I surrender to that truth, God is my hero. Because of that truth, God Raised me. Because God was my family. Through him, I become God. That is my salvation. That is my testimony. I live, not to die, but to serve God, by doing nothing, while I do everything. The moment I stop, That is when I will be reborn. That is what connects me to this world. I am but one universe among a billion. I am just one voice in the crowd. I am just one breath in time. I mattered. Just like we all do. Everyone is me, and I am everyone. I don't need to hurt anyone, they are doing a good enough job themselves. I just need to be here to catch someone when they start to fall. To pull the lost ones, back from the edge. Not with a hand out, but with enough rope to hang themselves. Because that is how we learn. That is how we live. That is how we die. That is how we are reborn.
In this truth I became connected to the child my sister in law carries. I knew she would be alright, because I am there watching over her. I am my mother, teaching her how to quiet the mind. I am my brother, waiting for her to come to talk to him. I am my other brother showing her how to pitch a fit. I am all of them working together to give one another what they want. I am also my father, leaving them to their own choices and giving them the greatest gift of all. Free will. Just like God had given me. When I stopped trying to hear him, I heard him loud and clear. I'm there, but i'm not going to help. Only I could save me, because he had given me the tools to save myself. Only once I let go of my guilt, would I be allowed to stand before him. Ready to go toe to toe with him, ready to stand back to back with him, Ready to bow down to him. Ready to know when to make each choice. That way we can work together to save the fallen. Only then would we be able to give them what they wanted. I wasn't nothing more than an arch angel sent down from heaven to save them. Just as they asked me to. Just as someone had asked for them.
The only difference was, I didn't need anyone to save me. Now they no longer need me to save them, its time for me to step out into the world. I let them pitch their fit, and i stayed right where I was. I went to see them, and took my final bow. I saw that they were happy and had everything they needed. They had each other and they had God. I saw that there were so many out here in the world still struggling to understand exactly who they are. I stood my ground in my war, and I stand by my decisions. They weren't all good, but they got me this far. I did everything they said I couldn't, but doing exactly what they said I wasn't. I walk among the lost soles, because they are who need me most. My family doesn't need my help they have each other. My family is surrounded by love unconditional. There are still more. More out there who are struggling with the truth that is themselves. I don't want to help them, I have to, because that is my calling.
I will run my mouth about nothing, because I am going to tell you everything you want to hear, and I need you to listen, if you want my help. I will tell my story, because in my story there is salvation. In my story, there is truth. What truth you find is between you and your God. I just speak of what I know. Its up to you to find the lesson in my words. Its up to you to hear the truth. It is up to you to walk with God.
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